With each passing show, Drunk Prom Date sees the Golden Years of retirement inching closer. Whereas wise investments and all around better musical ability have provided their brethren the Chadwicks early retirement from a 20-year Thursday night stint at Martini Ranch and have afforded them the luxury of only doing elite shows such as Tempe Music Fests, pro-volleyball tournaments, and Smart n Final openings, the boys of DPD aren't so blessed. Their nest egg is more a year-end Christmas Club account than a professionally handled 401k portfolio.
DPD will have to continue working such shameful places as Monkey Pants Bar & Grill into its senior years, thus increasing their chances of an early death. As DPD seeps into the twilight of their career and are forced to face their own mortality, on the advice of their attorney Larry Von Heidlestien, they have recently signed the following document to get their affairs in order:
The Last Will and Testament of Drunk Prom Date:
Drunk Prom Date, a resident of RockTown, USA, being of sound mind and flabby body, as well as a member of the Rock Brigade Armed Forces of the United States, and not being actuated by duress, menace, fraud, mistake, or under the influence, do make, and "I do declare" this to be our Last Will and Testament.
MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN
We are married to Rock and Roll and all references in this will to Rock and Roll are references only to Rock and Roll and not to Michael Damian's "Rock On," with which we're often associated, given our penchant for covering songs of soap opera stars. We have the following children:
| Name: | Sound | Date of Birth: | 1955 |
| Name: | Light | Date of Birth: | 10,000 BC or 100,000,000,000 BC depending on the religion or belief |
| Name: | Drums | Date of Birth: | 1955 |
| Name: | Guitars | Date of Birth: | 1955 |
EXECUTOR
We appoint Angus Young as Executor. Our Executor shall be authorized to carry out provisions of this Will and pay all past due library fees, pawn shop loans, poker IOU's and medical bills related to an ill-advised encounter with Sam Meranto.
GUARDIAN
In the event DPD dies as the sole parent of minor children, we appoint Tommy Lee as Guardian of said minor children.
SIMULTANEOUS DEATH OF SPOUSE:
In the event that Rock and Roll shall die simultaneously with DPD, we direct that we shall be deemed to have killed rock and roll. Even though Ozzy Osbourne says you can't.
BEQUESTS
We bequeath unto the persons named below, the Property described below:
To The Tin Man, our heart of rock n roll (if it's still beatin')
To half the bands in Tempe, our showmanship (large stockpile remains in a storage shed on Gypsy Road in Poughkeepsie the combination of course being 6-6-6)
To Sage Gentle Nuts, our talent (7 oz. in the icebox behind the Folger's can)
To The Format, our bananas (for your trousers)
To Annie Leibovitz, our photo library capturing DPD's greatest stage moments (qty. 1; depicts drummer Dead Beat's bloodied elbow)
To the entire New Times staff, our unused costume inventory (Eight is Enough night, Army Queers, Jewish Swordsmen, and The Gilby Clarke Jamboree). Enjoy!
To Sylvia's Mother, our House of Pain, located off Exit 69 on the Highway to Hell
To Mr. Crowley, our White Horse
To Lori, even though you're a shark, our collector's edition of Jaws signed by Roy Scheider's stunt double, Les Gordonbraughm
Let's recap:
Drunk Prom Date will be dead soon, some will say "not soon enough", so see them this Friday, May 12, for a final show with Haggis.
Haggis - 8pm
DPD - 10pm
IRA & 401k rollovers - all night long
Monkey Pants Bar & Grill (NE corner of Mill & Southern in Tempe)
Keep the faith,
Drunk Prom Date
www.drunkpromdate.com
www.monkeypantsbar.com
